Visit to Dad's Final Resting Spot August 31, 2013

Almost four years since Dad's passing.

The view from Grandma and Grandpa Mimoto's grave-sites.

Probate Lawyer May Be Necessary.

This is a complicated case. In December 2009, my father passed away from a heart attack. My mother and I were not on good terms (hated each other was pretty much a good term for it). My mother had verbally, emotionally and financially abused me for near 15 years of my childhood and at least 10 years of my adulthood before I got married and thus, escaped her abusive clutches.

When my father passed away, she took control of the finances, assumed executorship, told me verbally that I was “written out of the will” that she wasn’t going to give me anything because my father “had wanted it that way”. I was too emotionally distraught (and depressed) over my father’s death to care at that time. I have never seen letters of probate nor have been able to see the contents of the will (if there was any). I know that there is a 6 month limit to bring a claim against the Estate under the Wills Variance Act (this has long since passed). This has left me with no recourse other than finding out if the Will has been adhered to or whether probate fraud has been committed. I just assumed that she knew everything. For all I know now, he could have died intestate, in which the spouse can only take control of the first $65,000 of the estate and then the remainder is to be split 50/50 between the spouse and any surviving children (whether adult or minor).

My father loved his grandchildren, and spending time with them was the highlight of his life. He had verbally mentioned to his spouse that his funds were to be split and held in trust between his grandchildren but whether that was ever legally put into effect was never indicated.

Now the only reason that I am concerned now is that my mother has complete and utter control of my father’s estate.

a) She holds my grandfather’s estate (property), and has just sold it with the proceeds to be split between my two uncles and herself as agreed upon in my grandfather’s Will. My father’s credit paid for a consolidation loan in order to make improvements to my grandfather’s estate of which my family is getting no benefit. My father paid for the taxes to the property while the property was being held as well as used his credit as well as his income from working at his day employment to make improvements to my grandfather’s property. Now at the property’s disbursement, my uncles step in and take advantage of my father’s life work and benefit off the improved property.
b) There is a $500,000 capital gains tax on the property since it improved from the time that she held it first, to the time that the property was sold. The property was worth in the neighbourhood of $35,000 in 1979 when the surviving spouse of my grandfather (my maternal grandmother) passed away. The house just sold recently, in the neighbourhood of $1.6 million (I do not know the actual sale price as it was never disclosed to me). The estimated capital gains tax is almost $385,000; the probate taxes will be probably in around the $115,000 mark. My mother at this point is trying to say that if the capital gains tax is not paid off, that CRA can come after me. Fortunately for me, I have not signed anything to the effect that I am going to be on the title or anything for that matter. My mother is completely 100% on the hook for this. And I do not benefit from the property and thus I do not intend to pay a single dime from my pocket and have not stated that I will. In fact, I am of the opinion that I should make a formal statement that I will not pay a single dime out of my pocket as it is not my debt responsibility. However, out of spite against me she may give the property to my uncles and take on the tax burden herself, thereby eliminating what is left of my father’s legacy (his inheritance to his grandchildren).
3) I am not financially able to carry the tax burden when she passes away and I will have to sell one of her two properties (a half-duplex in Surrey, which we reside in and a apartment she bought with the proceeds (after split) in Surrey) in order to meet the capital gains tax on the half-duplex. Since I am not on her Will (she plans to put the properties in a “real property held in trust”, I will not be able to have the capacity to take title of the duplex and apartment upon her death and sell the apartment to be able to meet the capital gains tax. We will be financially hamstrung to meet the CRA’s capital gains requirements and may end up having to declare bankruptcy or just disclaim the inheritance. I don’t believe that I even have the option of disclaiming the inheritance because of the “property held in trust”. I have to take the inheritance. If my mother appoints a trustee other than myself, I just don’t want the trustee coming at me and telling me to pay the capital gains tax because I am the son of the deceased.

I don’t even know what I can do to protect myself financially. We’re in an unstable, financial situation ourselves. I am unemployed due to a severe back injury (degenerative arthritis) from slipping on my grandfather’s property back steps back in 2006 (the statute of limitations for personal injury is long since up), so currently we are living off Canada Child Tax Benefit, UCCB and my wife’s part-time employment income. I am trying to do what I can to establish a photography business with the skills that I have but if my mother’s Will gets forced onto me, I will have a tax burden that will end up destroying me financially.

What I would like to know is:

a) Did my mother commit probate fraud in not disclosing the contents of my father’s Will to me as his son if he had a Will? Did she commit probate fraud in that she took control of 100% of her husband’s assets in contravention to the BC Wills Act if he died intestate? Even if I am written out of the Will, do I have the right as his biological son to see the Will.
b) What can I do to protect myself from potential financially damaging clauses in the Will? What options do I have?

I am not in this to greedily go after my mother’s money. I just want to know if what she did was a criminal offence. I am in this to protect my own family from any potential damages.

Ten Long Months

Ten long hard months, Dad, and I am finally pulling myself out of the shock and grief of losing you. For a while, I wasn’t sure if I was going to pull out of it. But I know now that I have to keep going; that I have something to live for. Dad, the D300s and the 70-200mm VRII was the last gift that you ever gave me and I promise, I’m going to put it to good use. I’m going to use the ultimate gift that you gave me, my mind, and put it to work in photography.

I know you believe in me. And it took a long time to believe in myself too. But I do now and I’m going to go full-out to make sure I reach the goals I set for myself, no matter how tough they are to reach.

I miss you still, Dad, and always will. There’ll probably be long and hard stretches where losing you will still hurt like hell. The road will be bumpy but I know you’ll always be there beside me in spirit.

I love you, Dad, and I miss you…

Dad, Try to Visit Mom.

I don't know if you know, but she's up to her old tricks again. I'm sure that as you have gone to the other side, you know what she's up to, what actually happened, and what truths have been revealed to you after the veil has been lifted. You know now that I spoke truth about her. I know I promised to take care of her after you were gone, but forgive me, Dad. I'm going to have to cut her loose. You know what she's done. You know what she's capable of. I've had enough and my sanity is at stake. She can go over to her brothers for help.

You have left the house to the boys; that much I know. I respect that and I will abide by that decision. I know that you were trying to protect me that night on Ioco Road and Barnet Highway. That's why I revere your memory so much. You tried, even in your own way to protect me throughout the years.

I have a five year plan to get out of this house and out of her control. Please, Dad, help me in that regards. Send me whatever good luck that you can from the other side. We are putting aside money for the whole family (our four kids and us two).

She's threatening the security of my family, Dad (up to the point of telling lies about me). So I'm going to have to do what I have to do to protect them, even if that means sinking down to her level and playing dirty. There's too much at stake to let her win this time. You're probably looking in on me periodically and you've probably seen that I care about my kids. Help me, Dad, help me protect them, because I know you can.

I love you, Dad, I miss you a lot.

Selected Memories - A Photo-Collage

I don't have any words for this post. Just a photo. Maybe I might put something in later when I feel I can. But for now, let this photo say what I don't have words for.

Intense Rage and Anger...

Sometimes the grief triggers me into flashes of intense rage. It isn't the slightest bit directed nor do I know why I get so worked up. The rage flashes over when the world doesn't understand why I'm still grieving or when someone says something callous like "You can't expect the world to go away forever." I'm not asking the world to go away. What I am asking is for time and possibly a little help to get me through this grief. But it seems like everything else takes precedence. And that triggers a flashover of temper.

Loss, Grief and Manliness; What Every Man Should Know About Losing A Loved One. This article was written by Brian Burnham. He writes about how a man grieves; since he lost his own father.

Evidently from what he says, Men go through a series of stages in grief, but they're not externally emotional. While men may go through periods of sadness and crying, depressed mood and/or sense of hopelessness; it's not the norm; we show less of those emotions. What we do show however are the following:

Anger: often directed at someone or something seen as responsible for the loss, but sometimes directed at the self or at nothing in particular.
Irritability: grieving men may be easily irritated and annoyed and may overreact to small annoyances.
Withdrawal: grieving men may withdraw from social contact as well as withdraw emotionally, experiencing an emotional numbness.
Rumination: persistent thinking about the deceased or death in general.
Substance Abuse: grieving men may attempt to cope by abusing alcohol or other drugs.

What I wish though is for people to understand that the grieving process is not the same for everyone and that I'm not going to "get over it" just at the snap of a finger.

I know I probably need some help and some counselling to get through the stages of grief that I'm going through with my dad's passing. I'm tired of not being understood to be going through the grieving process. I'm tired of not having people understand that intense rage and anger is a part of my grieving process; that if someone says something callous or tries to make me walk on eggshells around them or snaps at me for no apparent reason, I'm going to end up going nuclear. The simple solution to that is: Just Don't. Don't start a fight with me because you're upset about something. Bring it to my attention calmly and rationally instead of making a big emotional deal out of it. Don't snap at me or I will explode. Realize that the grieving process takes time and that I'm going to be hair-trigger taut for quite some time. And just be happy I'm not doing #5. So 4 out of 5 ain't bad.

Just do me a favor and let me get over the loss of my Dad at my own pace. I don't give a shit if people think that I should be over it in two months or that you may think that I'm grieving too damned hard. This was my father, someone who was my protector and the most important person in my world while I was growing up. I can't just get over the fact that he's gone...Just Like That.

A Dark Path - Still Hurting 7 1/2 months later

It doesn't seem like the loss of my father will ever heal. Every day there are reminders of how important he was to me. Every day, there seems to be triggers that initiate a paroxysm of grief (not really outwardly seen, but an inner earthquake of grief), whether it be a memory of things that we did together, that we no longer have the chance to do. Or whether it is sadness at things that he no longer has the chance to do, like hold his only granddaughter; one that he said that he wanted. Storm will never have the opportunity to know her Grandfather except by word of mouth from her two oldest brothers and myself. Even Jamie never really got the chance to know his grandpa either since he was only 8 1/2 months old when my father passed away. The two oldest were actually the only two who got a chance to really spend some quality time with their grandpa.

For me, all the times that I spent with my dad during my younger years; the weekends where he and I would go gardening together (he had a contract gardening business on the side where he'd go around to different customers and do the lawns and gardens (trimming, fertilizing, edging...and other things)). It may have been laborious work, but it was also meaningful in that he and I were able to spend time together.

I remember when I went into college music and he joined the community chorus just so we could share the opportunity of actually being able to do something together in our shared passion of music. My father sung with the Vancouver Bach Choir, the professional chorus during the 60s (before I was born) and he loved and cherished the opportunity to sing with me in the Douglas College Choral Society and Community Chorus. We did some wonderful pieces that year and the most fun times that my father and I had were driving home from rehearsals (Monday nights), singing all the way home from New Westminster to Maple Ridge.

I remember that he used to take me to the Abbotsford International Airshow, many times during the 80s. No matter how much he protested saying that "Hmmmph...all these things just warplanes...not good..." he would never fail to take me, because he knew that brought me enjoyment and that's what counted to him. I think the first time I drive to the Abbotsford Airshow since his passing with my sons and daughter (when the youngest are old enough to appreciate the airshow for what it is and not get frightened by the noise) and my wife, I probably am going to have a lump in my throat from the memories of the times that my father and I spent at the Airshow.

Above all, I remember the pride that my father had in me when I started showing promise (late in life) in photography. For the longest time, he never knew what it was that I was good at. In music, I felt like a square peg in a round hole. There was always someone with perfect pitch or with a more innate understanding of music. There was a sense of inadequacy. Sure I could sing well, but there really was nothing more to it. I can understand the frustration of my teachers: John Glofcheskie, Dr. Kevin Barrington-Foote, and Tatsuo Hoshina, because I just would not take music seriously and part of it was my failure to understand the basic tenets of music. It was not something that came naturally to me. Photography on the other hand, I seem to be able to pick up concepts and I study it with the fervor that was missing to me in the study of music.

I only have memories now of my father and how good he really was to me. I see the love for me in his eyes in the images of him holding me as an infant. What is sad is that there are no other pictures of me with him alone, other than those infant pictures and then me alone with him on the ferry as a man, during the time when we both took our wives to Victoria and our mutual friend Worapol Taksinrote took a picture of me alone with my Dad. There never were really a whole bunch of pictures taken of me with my dad, so all I have is memories. I just wish that there comes a time when those memories won't cause tears but will bring in their place, smiles.

But for now, even 7 and a half months down the road, the pain of losing him is just too raw.